Judy wrote:
>It's really quite interesting. On the one hand, xmca as a ball game; on the
>other, xmca as bearing on lived experience; on the one hand, rational
>discourse as a text external to social relations, on the other, a perceived
>need to stretch the theory to account for lived experience. On the one, the
>perception of offense and an act of defense; on the other, the perception of
>offense and an act of defense. What could be more interesting, as Kathie
>asked? Or important?
How about xmca as a nursery school? :-) Please don't get upset. I am not claiming we are all acting like children, but that there are important strategies we develop as children, and even as they are transformed by later experiences, they may continue with us as adults. I am asking, thoughtfully, to consider the following excerpt from a text that I am using for a course on the development of children, because it is fresh in mind.
"F.F. Strayer and his colleagues observed a close connection between aggression and the formation of dominance hierarchies among 3- and 4-year olds in a nursery school. They identified a specific pattern of hostile interactions amond children: when one child would aggress, the other child would almost always submit by crying, running away, flinching, or seeking help from an adult. These dominance encounters led to an orderly pattern of social relationships within the group. One child who dominated another also dominated all children below that child in the dominance hierarchy of the group.
As dominance hierarchies in the nursery school take shape, they influence who fights with whom and under what circumstances. Once children know their position in such an hierarchy, they challenge only those whom it is safe for them to challenge. They leave others alone, thereby reducing the amount of aggression within the group."
Of course, our own situation is more complex, but there may be similar patterns. My own strategy has been the attempt not to join in the struggle that has been going on. Partially it has to do with something I resolved a long time ago, a stance not to respond in kind, not to repeat my father's aggressive acts. I could never quite articulate what I felt, until a few years ago, when Jay wrote privately to me once, very beautifully, something that captures the ecosocial dynamics very well. "We cannot help making one another, and being made by others, we have the possibility of continuing their part in us, for others living and to come." It is so eloquent and accurate, that I repeated the quote for my father's eulogy -- capturing a tribute to the things we, his family, loved in him, and, for me, also a sober recognition of the things we did not.
What I hope we will not do on xmca, is to bind ourselves into an aggressive dynamic with each other, offensively and defensively, with perception and interpretation on hair trigger alert. MAD. I have been unsubscribed for the past few weeks-- partially too busy to engage, but equally importantly, not wishing to make myself through participation in an aggressive dynamic. This child wishes, not to be at the top or the bottom of the hierarchy, nor anywhere in between, but engaged in another way of relating with each other. My own silence has been a way of living a commitment. It is not that I am afraid of anyone on this list. Without revealing the details, I have stood up, defensively, against a much more fearsome foe than anyone who could be interpreted as an aggressor here, with success.
There just has to be other ways, for us. XMCA has been such a great place to learn, exchange, meet colleagues, and make friends.
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We talked about the text quoted above last night in class, and so here are some other notes from class, that I have been meaning to put down anyway. For an exercise, I gave each of the students two index cards and a marker. I asked the students to write on one card what makes them angry or increases their anger; on the other I asked them to write what decreases their anger. Here are their responses -- most are first semester grad students (M.A. program):
Increases anger: deceit, mean people, disrespectful children, lying, inconsiderate germ spreaders (two students were ill!), inconsiderate people, rudeness, rudeness, bigotry, bad drivers, racism, gum snapping, being ignored, being ignored, shouting during an argument, bad drivers, train, hunger, pushy people on the "T: (subway), someone honking horn in traffic, SNAPing, ignorance , No parking, traffic.
Decreases anger: being compassionate, my schedule gets freed up, passing of a work crises, talking to my mother, friends, spending time with friends and family, time alone, running, running, running, Nine West Shoe shopping, walking or hiking, running, sun, music, music, good songs, ice cream, quiet time, kind smiles, sleep, cat, getting attention, smiles.
Kind of neat to see the *patterns*, several of which are recognized in early childhood behavior.
:-)
Bill Barowy, Associate Professor
Lesley College, 29 Everett Street, Cambridge, MA 02138-2790
Phone: 617-349-8168 / Fax: 617-349-8169
http://www.lesley.edu/faculty/wbarowy/Barowy.html
_______________________
"One of life's quiet excitements is to stand somewhat apart from yourself
and watch yourself softly become the author of something beautiful."
[Norman Maclean in "A river runs through it."]
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