Well, I guess this is where things get murky for me--trying to
have a context that is "structured" but in no way "coercive" (i.e.,
not causing pain as we try to impose our agenda). Example: yesterday
morning I was at a conference with two good friends and their
3-year old son. He had brought his favorite trucks with him to
amuse himself, and my friends traded off spending time with him
versus attending conference activities (both parents are extremely
involved with childrearing activities). At breakfast, we were
all together. David wandered back outside the cafe to play with
his trucks. His parents could not see him there, and asked him
to come inside with them. He didn't like this idea--he preferred
to play with his trucks outside. Finally, he was picked up and
brought him. This resulted in whining and sad looks. He then
began to play with his trucks in a busy pathway in the restaurant.
His mother asked him to move closer to her and play with the trucks
on a chair behind her so as not to get in people's way. He began
to cry and exclaimed (in German, since he is a bilingual child)
that this was a "stupid" idea!
The very gentle and reasonable structure that David's parents
were trying to impose on him at that point was perceived by him
to be "painful" and I imagine "coercive". David had access to
resources (his trucks, various enticing places to play with them,
watchful parents...), and he had parental guidance as to how to
best use those resources in culturally appropriate ways (asking
him to come inside the restaurant instead of playing outside
where they could not see him; asking him to play out of the path
of waiters and other patrons instead of in their path). However,
if left to his own devices with no "coercion" or "pain" whatsoever,
David would probably have stayed outside the restaurant (it was
all still inside the hotel); I suppose that his parents could
have changed their dining plans to accommodate his desire at that
point.
However, now I'm reminded of my own symposium on Friday
at this conference on feeding and social play among mothers in
San Juan and northeastern Connecticut. One of the things we have
found is that Connecticut mothers are more likely to phrase their
directives to children indirectly as questions ("Would you like
some juice?" while handing them the juice cup), whereas San Juan
mothers are more likely to phrase their directives directly as
commands ("Here, drink your juice"). Our discussant, Cynthia
Garcia Coll, spoke very cogently of the ways in which commands
to children serve to communicate larger cultural values to
children: Puerto RIcan culture IS hierarchcally organized, and
respect for others' wishes and accommodating yourself to the
desires of the larger group is considered more desirable than
celebrating any one person's individuality.
I'm back to my original point on this issue: I think the
celebration of the child's freedom and individuality, and concern
that any type of structure offered the child in the course of
learning and socialization should be noncoercive or pain-free,
is a cultural construction--and a construction that's rather
unique to middle-class America...
Robin