twenty-five years ago i decided to hate a man i never met except as a
shadow of pain in a boy's eyes.
the girl i was married that boy and over the years that hatred faded away.
i am sorry to say that nothing grew to fill that empty space, that hollow,
only the mist of sorrow floated there.
the sorrow was a sense of loss for something (someone) that never was.
yesterday morning that man died, as alone and unknown as he lived.
it's hard to miss someone who never really existed as a person (but
person-ness takes at least two, and i accepted my part in the script as
the distant daughter-in-law, so perhaps the sorrow now is as much for
missed opportunities).
and, yet
this morning i sat on the couch with my arm around my youngest son and
looked down at his thick lashes (thinking how my brother was the envy of
my sisters and myself because his lashes were so thick and his fingernails
grew so quickly) and smelling his dirty hair (anticipating and resisting
the pattern of my accusing him of not washing it and his eye-rolling
insistances that he did-twice, even!) and i am grateful for whatever my
father-in-law, William, did to influence the outcome of such a beautiful
child (and his brothers) and the possibilites for a more compassionate,
less fearful future.
thinking of shiva, the goddess of destruction and beauty
of how being and nonbeing arise together
of how the days are getting longer and soon it will be spring
summer
fall
and then winter again.
and grateful too, for all of you who are creating spaces (cyber or
otherwise) where people (i) can feel safe enough to speak their (my)
experience.
kathie
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
start all over.
start all over.
we need to make new symbols,
make new signs,
make a new language,
with these we'll redefine the world
and start all over.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^tracy chapman:new beginning
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Katherine_Goff who-is-at ceo.cudenver.edu
http://ceo.cudenver.edu/~katherine_goff/index.html