Firstly, when I joined this list, Eugene sent me a note inviting me to
elaborate on my intro. I had not realized that the invitation had been
posted to the list and so I responded to him privately. When he invited
me to post publicly, I declined. I would have enjoyed responding to a
number of postings related to diversity issues, but I chose not to
because as a newcomer, I felt it important to get a feel for the community
before considering myself a member and participating actively in it (not
that I see myself as a full member or anything now, but. . .). But
this was/is also magnified by my being a graduate student. While I
appreciate that the labels are not publicized, I can't help but feel that
the labels exist and do, in fact, have meanings. And then, of course, are
the names. So many names on this list of people whose work I read and
admire. Can all this be erased? Certainly not. I recognize that much of
my uneasiness is due to not my lack of credentials but my trying on shoes
too large, shoes that up until a few days ago, I thought I was
never growing into because I continue to hold myself up to others far
more advanced than myself. This leads me to another story, one I hope my
professors online will appreciate.
I am presently enrolled in a seminar which often leaves me depressed,
concerned, angry, disappointed. . . . I have felt very much like an
outsider. Two nights ago was my night to lead the discussion. The
topic--sociocultural issues of literacy (with a strong emphasis on
reading). The assigned readings were articles written by Heath,
Foster and Purves, Venesky, and the Santa Barbara Discourse Group. I then
added an article by Moll and one by Ferdman. I was terribly excited about
the week's discussion--I spent several weeks reading and rereading the
assignments, reading additional articles as references and pouring through
data tapes that I thought could be helpful illustrations of the readings.
(I should note that a part of my overpreparedness was due to the fact that
I recently transferred so this was the first time I would be performing,
if you will, for my new professor). Anyway, I was set and ready to go.
Although I had pages of notes and several ideas "just in case things
didn't get going" I asked the class to pretty much set the stage for the
class discussion. What were they interested in talking about? Within
minutes, the discussion became, in my opinion, hostile (and to be honest,
I no longer really cared about what they were interested in, but I did
stick with it). I heard people talk about how they "were tired of being
told that the way [they've] been teaching for twenty years is wrong," "are
tired of women getting jobs just because they are women," don't believe
that "ain't" should be allowed in the schools, don't believe that we
should "lower" the standards, think welfare mothers should read to
their kids because the teachers can't do everything, believe
that "they" should learn to play the game, believe that "these people
getting off the boat" should (fill whatever you'd like to in--a bunch
of comments were made), and so on. At one point my professor asked if Moll's
funds of knowledge meant that the teacher could get a car fixed for free
by a parent if he knew where the funds of knowledge were (thankfully, I
later learned that this question was meant to be ironic and spark
discussion. sadly, it did not). I had several responses to these
questions. [I realize that my story speaks much to the diversity issues
of past weeks, believe it or not, that is not where I meant to go, but I'm
getting to my point soon so please be patient.]
I left the class terribly angry at my classmates and my professor.
Besides the fact that the only time the readings got referred to was
when I addressed them, I had felt that the discussion of "culture"
was reduced to a black and white (pun intended) issue which embodied the
most extreme generalizations. even when I tried to broaden the discussion
to include, for example, youth culture, the generalizations continued.
While this was a terrible experience for me in many ways, I realized that
evening, how very much I have learned over these past few years (yes, this
is the point I was trying to get at). While arguing with these people, I
found myself referring to a number of authors in ways that I usually have
trouble doing. When trying to "talk smart" I find myself unable to do a
great many things that people who talk smart usually can (e.g., cite
names). In fact, had the discussion progressed as a "normal" seminar
might, I may have frozen and not have done too well. Yet while in the
heat of these argument, so much of what I've learned, of what normally
escapes me as I feel the pressure to perform, rolled off my tongue. I found
myself able to try to teach a bit of the theory that I often think I know
so little of (and yes, even offer the citations). In short, I realized
how my feet haven't stayed the same size but rather how my shoes just keep
getting better. I wish that the professors who have taught
me and influenced me over these past few years could have been flies on
the wall--that they would have been proud of me and of themselves. Rather
than trip up the way I normally do, I played the role of teacher in a way
that reflected well on them (what a rush, living what you raed about!).
In fact, the following day, the professor of the course (the one I wanted
to impress) told me that I had done a wonderful job (I thought he, like
the others, simply saw me as a militant feminist bitch). He felt that the
students need an in your face kind of person so that they are forced to
face issues that they try to avoid (and yes, I am an in your face kind of
person). He shared with me that he is just beginning to read some of the
authors I'd mentioned and realizes that after he reads more and more
related to sociocultural issues that his teaching and thinking are
permanently altered. Moreover, he thought that in addition to my in your
face attitude, that I displayed knowledge well and he asked that we get
together and discuss some of the issues we touched on, and that I evaluate
a project he is workin on (and assess its sensitivity to sociocultural
dimensions).
Boy, this is really long. I apologize for that. And in no way am
I trying to "show what I know" (except that I know I've got a long
way to go). Although I realize I may have been a bit naive (and still
am), I'm sure these stories must contribute something to the issues of
grad students, the ZPD, etc. No?
Still learning and trying to fit in,
Lenora de la Luna
(see eugene, maybe it's better for some of us to not "jump right in."
maybe i should lurk a bit more. . . .)