(1) When I first entered graduate school in psychology ten years ago, my
primary motive was to understand myself and others better, and this desire
for understanding impelled me through my dissertation and initial publications.
Over the past few years, however, it's become a weaker motivating force for me.
(2) The immediate social and psychological rewards of being an active
participant in a meaningful reference group has been the most seductive
motivating force--and the one most supported by my graduate training at Yale.
I grow increasingly aware, however, of the personally insecure position this
motive places me in if allowed to become primary. I'm reminded of some
researchers I've known whose names and reputations dominate their fields,
but who are driven by insecurity and by the narcissistic need for constant
external recognition. On the other hand, as a secondary motive, the rewards
of feeling like an active participant in a meaningful reference group are
very real and very human--we all want to "belong" and to feel "worthwhile",
and this is not a bad thing if some perspective (humility?) on it is kept.
(3) There has always been a core of genuine idealism in me--a desire to
"make a difference" somehow. This is probably the most elusive and most
nebulous motive for me, and also one which has grown dimmer over the years.
(4) Friends have offered me other reasons which "work" for them. Perhaps
we really want to know the answers to the questions we ask; perhaps we
must take some sort of existential leap of faith that what we do is genuinely
worthwhile and somehow "makes a difference"; perhaps research and publication
are all simply part of the choice we made when we chose to enter this field,
and we continually define and redefine ourselves by making that choice
once again every time we embark upon a new project.
(5) At this point, I find myself returning full circle to the reasons which
originally impelled me to enter this field: a desire to understand myself
and others, inasmuch as such understanding is possible--and perhaps
such understanding does genuinely "make a difference"--if only to me.
Robin