[Xmca-l] Re: Rogers day

[Annalisa Aguilar]

Alfredo,


Thank you for your post.


I do not think you understand, but I appreciate that you make a compassionate effort to settle things down. Forgive me, but I was not admonishing the list. I was merely using the term "people" in the same way that Peter S was, which was really to address me, and so, I was using "people" to address him.


If you wish to admonish me, then what of Peter S? Alfredo, you only affirm my complaint that there is an unequal manner of sorting this out, and I maintain it has to do with gender.


If I may quote his post:

"I strongly recommend that people not psychoanalyze people they don’t know, or form opinions about neurological issues they don’t understand, or take real people and turn them into philosophical examples."


I might be wrong, but I am guessing Peter S's post wasn't directed to Charles, or the list, but to me. I found it hostile, and passive aggressive. It lacks courage because he did not address me directly. It lacks curiosity because he did not ask me what I meant, he just made a lot of assumptions. QED.


Everyone has the right to say whatever they want, and also the privilege to suffer the consequences. The nature of his post was to shut me down. It was an emotional and reactionary post, completely out of proportion to what I'd said.


Respectfully, I am surprised that you are not at all seeing your own bias, Alfredo.


Had Peter S emailed me privately, to object or to indicate how I offended him, we could have worked it out that way and not involved the list; that would have been something entirely different, which is always an option when having disputes. Because he wanted to post through the list (no one made him do it), I too choose to do the same, to make it clear how I received his unsolicited recommendation, because, intentionally, I hope to call attention how women are frequently treated, as a teaching moment, and that doesn't make it about me, but about making this list a better place for *positive regard* of all members of the community who have the desire to amenably participate on this listserv. To the venerable others, don't let anyone talk to you that way.


There were a few wrong assumptions made on his part. Yet Alfredo, you do not say anything about that. You accuse me of wrong assumptions. Well... how does he know that I do not understand neurological issues? Why does he have the right to make those assumptions about me?


If I walk into a room of people and someone I do not know seems to yell out to no one in particular, "Hey you jackass!" and I take exception to that and begin arguing with that person about their address in front of everyone then I am the one taking on that label of jackass. I am responsible for my reaction, not the person yelling out. Yes the person calling out might be rude, but it could *also be* a conversation taken out of context and I might actually be butting in and making that conversation about jackasses all about me.


A few times I tried to bring the topic back to positive regard, I think quite politely, and with humor. I still am invested in having that conversation, but this tiny conflagration has come up and to be sensitive, and I hope respectful, I am addressing it.


I suggest considering how you yourself would have taken Peter's post were it directed to you. It was controlling and intended to shut me down, it certainly wasn't for *my* benefit.


Why does Peter S's condition somehow trump what I said, but my gender sensitivity does not trump what he said?


That is a real question.


It is frequently the case that threads gets derailed. I understand that happens. I think it happens too much, and it might cause community members not to initiate a post nor to participate. I find this disappointing because then this list becomes nothing but a clique for a few people to only post about a limited number of topics with a limited number of worldviews.


Like you indicated, I am with you when I say let's hope it can change. Especially with novices, as they are our future.


I apologize to you and this list for being strident (which is not exactly positive regard, I admit, but it is passionate in its intention and it does *not* arise from a desire to hurt, it is to discuss the matter at hand). However, this is a real challenge and it should be taken seriously. That is my reason for deconstructing this ever so carefully. Sorry if you find it tedious.


It was never my intention to malign Peter S, but he took offense, and that is not in my control. I don't see anything cooperative about his post whatsoever. Given the way he addressed me, he gave me no way in to deal with the real issue that bothered him, so I'm dealing with it in parallel on my terms from my point of view, what else can I do? He certainly didn't deal with it from my point of view, did he?


If everyone could understand gendered interactions, it would include understanding that frequently women are *expected* to defer to the pain/discomfort of others, as if we are responsible for it. As I write that, I might say that of all oppressed people. I refuse that care-taking role, nor am I a therapist. I'm not responsible for the pain that was there before I came along, though I can certainly be compassionate, especially if that were solicited. I actually thought I was being compassionate. I don't believe my prior posts concerning anxiety were untoward or offensive. I was discussing what interested me and I was thinking out loud. It is a discussion on a listserv, not the therapist's office.


To participate amicably has always been my orientation. It might have been better received if Peter were to accept his own vulnerability and to discuss what I said that actually bothered him, rather than making recommendations to me that were not solicited.


I believe he was shooting the messenger for his discomfort. Drawing a boundary is different from telling, excuse me, recommending people what to do. It is also true that people make mistakes in how they address and post. I certainly am guilty of that, but I did not find it to be the case here.


I stand by my assertion that it takes courage to investigate (and invest in) positive regard. It also takes curiosity to want to understand the dynamics of positive regard, even if it causes discomfort. It takes courage and curiosity because both mean being vulnerable.

Additionally, Charles's post about anxiety caused me no regret, which you also accuse me of, Alfredo. I was saying that I didn't bring it into the conversation, and that I had intended to discuss something else, yet I was following the change in course. I did not chastise Charles for bringing up the topic of anxiety, I welcomed it.

You say:
"It may be that trying to find out what the real "intention" or "true motivation" of the other was when saying this or that really does not help when cooperation is the goal. Nor does it help telling others what exactly a conversation should and should not be about. Treating others as you would treat someone else in the type of relation you would like to achieve is a better strategy, I believe, and this should not go by the price of loosing your integrity or identity. "

I disagree entirely that intention doesn't matter when considering cooperation. I am going to presume that your intention is not to shut me down, but to do something other than that. Largely, despite your accusations, I find this because of your tone and what I believe your intention to be which includes your history of posts and how you have addressed me in the past.

You say it doesn't help telling others what exactly a conversation should or shouldn't be about, but isn't that you just now telling me how to converse?? Or does your admonishment include Peter S too? Was that your intention? Or was it directed solely to me? I'm not clear about that.

I do agree entirely with your statement that treating others in the type of relation you would like to achieve is a better strategy, but then *also* no one should be surprised when they are treated as they have treated others, especially when positive regard has been absent. That isn't an advertisement for "an eye for an eye."

Last, I just want to make clear that my "philosophizing" about anxiety had very little to do with Peter S. Although I mentioned him, he was peripheral. Sorry, Peter S, it was not about you. Believe it or not, I wrote what I actually think about the topic of anxiety *in relation to positive regard*.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

If anyone would like to continue on the topic of positive regard (with positive regard) and the 2 Rogers, Vygotsky, Sullivan, and so on, and no one feels anxious to include the topic of anxiety in the mix, I'm sure we might have a very rich discussion. I plan to resume on that tack with the original post subject title.

Kind regards unconditionally,

Annalisa
-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: http://mailman.ucsd.edu/pipermail/xmca-l/attachments/20180813/9698be5c/attachment.html