Re: What am i missing?

From: Randy Bomer (rbomer@indiana.edu)
Date: Thu Feb 17 2000 - 22:01:47 PST


I'm having to discipline myself not to include the vocative/salutation at
the beginning of this message, but I found it very helpful to read Rosa's
comment that that convention seems less than inviting. It seems to me to be
helpful to discuss the language/addressive norms of this list because, even
though I'm interested in most of the things people write here, and even
though I mentally compose about a hundred responses to the one I post, I
usually choose not to take the risk of writing into the conversation.
Sometimes when I have, I've ended up feeling less than energized to keep
writing - more like demoralized. It has something to do with the "cold
shoulder" some people have mentioned. Some of the people I thought I was
writing to don't respond; some of the people who do respond seem not to have
understood me. There's a feeling, also mentioned by others, of people
talking past each other. Not that this is at all uncommon in academic
face-to-face interactions. It may be in the nature of the ideas we're
dealing with and the talking/writing-as-a-thinking-device we're using. Also,
I'm absolutely sure I do it, too.

Like Nate, I don't see the offense in the request for activity triangle
diagramming processes. That's of course partly because I didn't see the
initial question as being addressed to me. I was positive others on the
list had more to say about inserting diagrams than I did. So even if I'd
seen it as rude or abrupt, which I didn't, I wouldn't have taken it
personally. Then again...I'm a guy.

I'm sure I'm not the first to notice the gendered responses here. The
expectation/desire for things like "please" appears to me to be more intense
among female identities than male. This seems to fit with Tannen's other
findings about gendered talk styles. When my wife says "I'm sorry," I do
find it irrationally difficult just to say, "I'm sorry, too," even though I
know that, sociolinguistically, this is the way out of the problem. (Don't
worry; usually, I do manage to get there.)

In case anyone was thinking you have to cross national boundaries to find
different standards of politeness/abruptness...

Oh, and about Rachel's observations about argument. I know the exhaustion.
I've spent most of my life in NYC, which is where I recall Rachel being now.
But I just moved to the Midwest USA, and now I miss the out-frontness and
find it almost impossible to feel an intersubjective space with people who
remain silent but resent what you're saying all the while....

Randy Bomer
Indiana University

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